Newly Single Dating Blog

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Newly Single Dating Blog - The companion site to

#dating #datingadvice #singlewomen #datingin1936

Dating 1936-style

I am old enough to still own books and among my collection is a vintage book on dating.

“Live Alone and Like It”, by Marjorie Hillis (1889-1971)  An American who was Vogue assistant editor.

Her book was published in 1936, causing a media sensation
“Sophisticated Miss Hillis honestly believes there are advantages in a husbandless state!” gasped one critic – with its shocking concept of the possibility of a cheerful single life.

In fact, Miss Hillis
(daren’t use her first name as we haven’t been formally introduced)
was not promoting being single rather than married
but showing how we can all be positive in our singledom.
A topical subject now in 2014.

This book was written 20 years after the 1st World War, a period in which an entire generation of men were lost, who, by 1936, should have been in their 30s and 40s.
Their widows had little choice than to live alone, as there were so few men left.

At that time, while sexual frustration was acknowledged it was not openly discussed.  So not quite the same as now!

The chapter “Will You or Won’t You?” discusses the delicate subject of love affairs.
“Whether or not a woman has had her Moments,” advises Miss H. “If she has a grain of common sense she keeps it to herself since if she has, most people would be shocked and if she hasn’t, the rest would be superior.”

Actually, keeping an air of mystery would be a welcome change after our daily tabloid kiss and tells.

She continues, “Every woman needs friends who drop in for tea or cocktails or supper; friends with whom to share expeditions, to pour out enthusiasms and troubles and show off her new hats and old admirers”.
Now, we do all that too, more graphically…

If you are concerned about etiquette and entertaining, Miss Hillis is extremely helpful.
How do you get a man friend to leave at the correct time?
First decide whether you want him gone for good or merely for now.
If the latter, a tactful “Let me get you a glass of water, it’s hours since you had that whisky” should do the trick. The idea is for both parties to stand up and said guest will then take his leave.
Would this work today? Doubt it!

Miss H continues, Is it permissible for an un-chaperoned single woman to wear pyjamas when a gentleman calls?
“Lounging pyjamas which resemble sleepwear are suitable only for feminine guests whereas hostess pyjamas would not shock a bishop.”
Memo to self: get some elegant bias-cut satin pyjamas for entertaining the local vicar – penguin-printed fleece onesie definite no-no.

Marjorie Hillis encouraged “bachelor girls” to treat being single positively.

“You will have nobody to make a fuss over you when you are tired, but you will also have nobody to expect you to make a fuss over him, when you are tired”.
Now thats still true today

A year after this book was published, aged 48,
(her readers felt she had betrayed them!)
she found herself a widower to marry .

“Be interested and you’ll be interesting” may just catch you that man…

#dating #datingwhenolder #50+dating #datingsecondtimearound

Dating has changed so much in the last 30-40 years
Then: A date was requested by a proper phone call and real life conversation
Now: A date is suggested by text and often with no real life conversation

Then: A date would always be paid for by the man
Now: The man may have had much of his money given by the Divorce Courts to the last ex-wife or two and therefore he may be grateful to share the bill.

Then: we generally dated someone around our own age group. The thought of a 20/30 year old dating a 50/60 year old man would never have crossed our minds as it would have been like dating our dads. 50 was old then. Not cool!
Now: Men of 50 or 60 mostly want to date 20, 30, 40 year old girls. Rarely women of their own age. These younger women seem happy to oblige, especially if the man has money, well nothing has really changed there then!

Then: We found our single men organically, and people stayed married for more than a nano-second, even if the relationship wasn’t perfect.
Now: we find our dates online, window-shopping with a tick-list of requirements whilst relationships and marriage are transient.
Relationship not working? On to the next.

Then: It was really mostly younger people who dated. The 40 plus stayed married unless they were bereaved.
Now: Dating is for all ages, as so many women (not just the men) have initiated to end their marriages. And it’s just as difficult for the younger girls as us older single women to find a good man as they’ve all been snapped up quicker than you can text, email or tweet “Hi, want a date?!”
A dating site for people just like you, dating second time around

#dating #meetingthefamily

Dating, texting and meeting the family

Years ago, well about 40 years ago, one of my friends was invited to Sunday tea with her boyfriend’s family. In those days, this was a significant stage in the progress of a relationship so, on best chatty meet-the-family-behaviour, she decided to admire the china. A foot-in-mouth moment unfortunately.

“What a pretty tea set, its just like my Granny’s. Did you get yours with Green Shield stamps too” ( For those not old enough to remember what Green Shield stamps are- they are equivalent to saving up with your Tesco club card points)
Turned out the china was actually an antique bone china family heirloom… so this was not an auspicious introduction into the family bosom.

In this same period, the 70’s, when someone wanted to take me out for a date, they had to phone and get past my Dad who always managed to get to the phone first. He was a bit like the keeper of the prison jail keys.
With no mobile phones then, dating on the sly with anyone remotely unsuitable was much more of a problem, especially with mobiles and texting not available for another 30 years.  It sounds like the dark ages doesn’t it?

If you’re in the same age group as me, nearly 50, the meeting of your boyfriend’s parents has now been replaced with the meeting of his grown-up children (from his previous marriage). This is way more traumatic than mistaking antique china for give-away china.
And at what point in the relationship do you decide the time is right to meet the children?  And there’s of course the making sure you say the right things to them. Awkward…

When meeting the family, in Puritan New England, sweethearts were very strictly chaperoned, often by a watchful grandmother seated between them.
With no mobile phones to help their private communication, The Courting stick came into play.
The courting stick was a wooden tube, 6 or 8 feet long, through which the lovers could talk to each other privately. Apparently the tube could be passed in front of or behind Granny – which enabled romantic conversation.

Now this could solve a lot of problems…
twitter @datingwhenolder

#dating #onlinedating #blind-dates #chemistry #1stdate

Has anyone else who has on-line dated, noticed that on certain days of the year, like New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day, when we are all supposed to be happily coupled up, we purposely don’t log on-line that day but wait until the day after…… to save our “dating” face!
So with plans for a pending blind date Saturday 15th,  everything was left to be confirmed until the actual morning.

When you meet your blind date, how long does it take to decide whether you’d like to leave it at just a drink or continue your drink onto lunch or dinner?
Even if you don’t have that initial chemistry, you may still like to have a little longer to see if your date grows on you through personality rather than initial attraction.

So, within 10 minutes, when my date grabbed my hand across the table, looking into my eyes, saying, “what do you think, shall we meet again”? …
I was somewhat taken aback.

If you absolutely aren’t feeling it straight away, then of course the answer is no…..we won’t meet again,  but if you find your date good company, but maybe not initially sizzling hot!…you may still like to give him a little more time.Well at least wait until you’ve both finished your drinks to reply.

What would you have done?
How long do you take to decide if you’d like to have a 2nd date?
And what would you say to your date?

twitter: @datingwhenolder

#valentinesday #love #dating #singleonvalentinesday

Valentines Day, in my opinion, is a million times worse than Christmas Day in terms of commercialisation.  We get overwhelmed with offers of overpriced flowers, roses with no smell, restaurants offering a tweaked love-themed menu at a higher price and all sorts of random business promotions linked to Love.

This did not come from this day’s namesake Saint, St Valentine, who was apparently imprisoned and later executed for performing weddings for Roman soldiers.
I understand the need for tough soldiers not to be distracted from Imperial duty by stressing over table plans and dealing diplomatically with difficult mothers-in-law-to-be,  but executing the priest/wedding planner seems bit harsh….
No, the romantic love associations are the work of Geoffrey Chaucer, in his poem referring to birds choosing their mates on Valentine’s Day.  Therefore you can place the blame firmly on his shoulders for all cards and other Valentines Day tat.

Times are hard for businesses and high streets are struggling. My local shopping centre now mostly consists of charity shops – like so many towns today. They have all made gallant attempts at the Big V theme. Red paper hearts stuck on windows, all sorts of red clothing, teddy bears clutching felt hearts, presumably handed in by loyal customers recycling their own unwanted past Valentine collections.

According to a recent survey from a daily deals search engine, this is very much today’s mood. “Forget flowers and chocolates, love birds in the UK are buying heavily discounted jewellery and bargain lingerie”. This year’s top gift is a sterling silver personalised triple ring necklace which sounds OK to me. Not too sure though about the second gift on the list “Personalise my M&Ms” because the sweets aren’t that big: the names Amy or Andy might fit but what about Samantha or Jonathan? Suppose there’s a special message in the packet and you accidentally eat the crucial word? Could lead to a tense evening….So awkward…

When you’re single, Valentine’s Day is like New Year’s Eve, the worst day of the year to be single as it feels so publicly on show that you are actually single.

However confident we appear, everyone has vulnerable moments when the ads seem aimed at us personally, suggesting that the whole world is happily paired up – with one exception…..

Of course, there are ways to lift that lonely feeling. You could treat yourself to your own feel-good self-confidence boosting sexy NON cut-price undies, or simply indulge yourself in any way that makes you feel special and tell yourself Valentine’s Day is just a day – one day in the year, leaving 364 other days to find your special someone.

#Agegaplove right or wrong? #dating #datingwhenolder #love #Valentinesday #cougars

Today it’s still somehow more acceptable for a man to be older than his wife; perhaps dating from when women were financially dependent, first upon their fathers and then upon husbands to support them.

But how wide can an age gap be before people find it uncomfortable?

The documentary “She’s 78, he’s 39: Age Gap Love” addressed this question.
First up was Joan, 68, exercising vigorously while 29-year-old lover Phil played computer games upstairs. Joan’s husband had made her promise on his deathbed to get a breast enlargement. A rather odd dying wish but after 50 years of marriage, presumably he knew best what made her happy? (Some might also have suggested ditching the scary eyeliner…)
Apparently a bust measurement 43F makes clothes difficult to fit; given Joan’s petite frame, not tipping forwards might be on the problem list too. “I don’t want to look like mutton dressed as lamb” she said – understandable but hard to take seriously when she’d just bought a skin-tight leather studded mini-dress.

Equally fond of fashion statements was Edna, 78, knitting ferociously colourful tank-tops which husband Simon, 39, seemed happy to wear. Edna and Simon met through a shared love of the organ…. , (yes-organ music)and spent their time buying car boot-sale gifts for each other and eating ice creams.

Another couple we saw strolling hand-in-hand along the seafront at Brighton were Marilyn & William who were 45 and 16 respectively when they met eight years ago.  Happy together but frowned upon in the community.

Gary, 60, took Kate his 30 year old girlfriend to Ibiza to hit the club scene for her birthday.  Did he look out of place or did he care? Not a jot! Nor did she seem to notice he was the oldest in the crowd.
His adult children had difficulty accepting Kate at first. Not necessarily age-related – she moved in very soon after his marriage ended. Kate wasn’t worried about not having her own family, “I couldn’t stay at home doing nothing looking after children.” (Can confidently reassure her that looking after small children does not entail “doing nothing”.)

Meanwhile Mike, 74, and Lyndsey, 33, have a 3 year old son and adorable 2 month old daughter. The old chestnut “Are older fathers being selfish?” arose – as if younger fathers are always selfless and dedicated… Sweeping generalisations are pointless, illness can strike any at any age: two of the younger husbands had health problems which they said their older wives handled better than “young girls who panic”. None of us knows how long we’ll live but Mike was clearly determined to make whatever time he had with his little ones the best he could.

Of course it’s easy to laugh at other people’s eccentricities but we all need love and happiness in our lives.
In my early twenties, I believed my marriage would last forever. Sadly, it didn’t after 20 something years.
Single second time around, while we may not reach that Golden Wedding moment, we all have the possibility for finding love again.
It seems that its never to late
but, maybe Id prefer to find that single man who’s a little closer to my own age group.

#dating #Valentinesday #findingloveinthesupermarketaisles

Love Among the Muesli

Supermarket dating.  I always wondered what it was and how do you chat up a man over a supermarket trolley?

Do you corner him in the fruit and veg aisle or near the undies, knicker and thongs- buy 2 -get 1 free.
So I did a little research.

Shopping for your dinner, and a new partner, brings a heady mix of passion and practicality to the normally mundane grocery run.” Speaking as someone who does such runs frequently, no amount of passion, practicality or heady mix of the two will ever make me enjoy this chore,  single or attached. Replacing everyday items with heart-shaped frilly red Valentine tat doesn’t improve the mood either.

“All you have to do is find a supermarket near you running the free dating night and find out what the single signal is.” Simple enough – although I’ve never noticed any adverts in ourSainsburys/Tesco/Waitrose locals .  Admittedly when supermarket shopping, I’m on auto-pilot, but I’m guessing it would need to be a subtle single signal which is perhaps why I’ve missed it. A large neon sign flashing “Still Single After 10 Years? Date Night Here Tuesday Aisle 7” would be tactless and counter-productive. People have their pride.

“In some cases a different coloured shopping basket alerts other singles to your intentions” Ah, that’s easier to understand though bit tricky in stores where all baskets are silver wire? Bit tricky too for anyone colour-blind or absent-minded; picking up red for Too Hot to Handle instead of green for Sensitive and Ecologically Aware  – or vice versa – might lead to that kind of conversational gap my generation was brought up to fill. Or perhaps an adventure? You never know. Do you carry the basket as normal or is there a special grip, like a masonic handshake?

 strategically-placed cereal boxes as a sign of availability. Right. Strategically-placed where exactly? Not near the cereals obviously – Strategically-placed like a fig leaf then? Surely not – even I would have noticed that.

Clearly more research needed and Valentines day is probably a good time to reconnoitre so, during the next grocery run, if you see someone lurking in the cereals aisle with a basket full of knickers, it may be me.